


I See the Shadows On My Face

by royalreddeath



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, ghost - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-09-30 14:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10165094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalreddeath/pseuds/royalreddeath
Summary: J.D.'s death left Veronica hurting. She hadn't wanted him to take the bomb with him but he did. Now that he's dead, comforting her and apologizing for his mistakes won't work.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I post on my AO3. Have fun.

Death wasn’t incredibly becoming of a certain seventeen-year-old. He’d expected it to be different. He’d really expected there to be less existence or at least more of a change of scenery. What he certainly hadn’t expected was for his entire existence to be tied to Veronica Sawyer, to have her continue to be his entire world but on a far more literal level. Leaving her general area caused him to go into some odd and terrifying place, so he kept close to her as much as possible.

Though, in reality, he wasn’t entirely sure what was more painful, being absolutely lost and terrified in a wasteland that never seemed to end or having to watch Veronica holding his coat to her chest and sobbing. Sometimes he would try to reach out and hold her in his arms but, just as with everyone who couldn’t see him, she passed directly through. Sometimes he’d notice a shiver shaking her body after his arms passed through her but that just seemed to make her fold into herself even more and that killed him even more than any bomb ever could.

He had really believed that this would clean the slate, make her feel less guilty about everything that he’d done next to her.

Perhaps poltergeists were all simply teenagers who killed themselves, throwing things around in frustration. Even with the amount that he loved her and wanted to make her life easier after what he’d done to her, frustration was just far too strong and made his hands shake in rage.

He couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t touch her, he couldn’t let her know it was going to be okay. All he could fucking do was watch her sob while clinging to his coat and, out of every terrible event in his life, this was quite possible the second most horrific and frustrating.

So he just shoved half of what she had on her desk onto the floor, absolutely seething. Rage overwhelmed him. Whatever god put him in this situation should have simply sent him to hell where he so adamantly thought he belonged.

The noise caused sobbing girl to jump, momentarily look up, then shove her face back into his coat prior to muttering, “JFK, stop that.”

Something about her assuming that the noise had been her cat drained all the will to make a mess of the room. The ghost slumped to the floor and held his head in his hands, tears welling up in his eyes from the previously bottled up frustration. It had been days since he’d died and everything was just getting more difficult for him. He was really and truly alone, really and truly dead inside.

His chest felt strangely heavy for someone who didn’t have a heartbeat anymore, something that he checked every few hours just to know if he could get the dead organ pumping again to maybe feel alive again. To feel like Veronica was simply ignoring him with a great conviction.

A shuffling noise came from Veronica’s bed, causing the boy to look up with tears in his eyes to see Veronica moving around to pull her comforter around her shoulders before curling up around his coat again. She seemed to be shivering slightly, pulling the blanket around her even tighter before giving up on being able to do that while still being able to hold onto his jacket, falling to her side as she curled up into a tiny ball. “Why did you die, you asshole? Please stop being dead…”

“If I could stop, I think I might want to,” he muttered in response, even with the knowledge that she couldn’t possibly hear him. It didn’t matter, he just needed to respond as he wrapped his arms around his knees and pulled them to his chest. If he’d known he’d get stuck as a ghost, he wouldn’t have given her his coat. God, he needed that thing so bad. He felt wrong without it and added feelings of things being incorrect weren’t exactly what he needed while he was stuck haunting his ex-girlfriend who was mourning him and holding the article of clothing that he’d given to her.

“JD, please stop being dead. Please let me wake up. This is just another dream, isn’t it? Because I killed Heather,” Veronica’s voice was shaking, she was choking back sobs with every other word. Her fingers looked like they were turning white because of the force she was using to grip her dead boyfriend’s coat. Squirming to get under the blanket a bit more without moving her hands, she moved away from the coat to wipe her nose on her sleeve. It was incredibly obvious that she didn’t care how gross she was being but what was confusing the dead teenager was that she hadn’t just buried her face into his jacket again. “JD, if you stop being dead, I’ll help you get away from your dad. Please? Talk to me or something. Heather did. Kurt and Ram wouldn’t stop either. Why can’t you? JD, please…”

Shaking hands with white knuckles that matched Veronica’s moved from grasping at the sides of his shirt to shoving himself up off the floor. He moved to kneel by the side of Veronica’s bed and reached out to try to rest his hand on hers but she couldn’t see him so he wasn’t there. His hand slipped through Veronica’s hand and it just caused the ghost to stare in horror. He’d fully expected that but something about seeing his hand fall through hers while she was crying was so much worse than seeing it fall through when he just wanted to touch her.

He tried again, this time with both of his hands, but could only watch his hands fall through her hand again. His hands began to shake as he frantically tried again, wanting to comfort her more than anything else but his efforts brought forth nothing good. JD had to watch her hand move to grab at his coat even more, covering it while going back to gripping at it with pale, white knuckles.

Shaking hands fell to the bed and his head quickly followed. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he rested his head on his hands. He caused all this and couldn’t even make real attempts at helping her get past the pain and that made it far more terrible an experience for him. How could he do what he’d done to such a wonderful person? An angel, even.  
Briefly, he wondered if he should move his face away from her bed but, in the end, he decided that if she couldn’t feel his hand, she’d be able to explain away the wet spots on her bed that were nowhere near where she’d been crying caused by the ghost’s tears.

At least there was that, he could try to find comfort in Veronica explaining his every action away. He could find comfort in her losing track of what he’d done in her mind and forget him, move on, find someone to love her like she deserved. Like the only good thing there was left in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veronica's short nap yielded no rest for her. JD, while dead, was still incredibly exhausted.

Veronica woke up after falling asleep grasping the dead teen’s coat, eyes still stinging from tears and face sticky and slightly puffy. She looked exhausted, as if her impromptu nap had drained more energy than it had provided. The ghost looked up from the position on her floor that he had taken and sighed, grabbing onto her bedsheets as he fought the urge to move to kiss her forehead and promise that it would be okay. He wanted to promise that he wasn’t worth her tears, she was worth far more than he could ever be and wasting time mourning someone who had destroyed her life wasn’t exactly justified.

He hated himself, why couldn’t see just hate him too? It would be so much easier if she didn’t miss him. He loved her above all else in his life, in his death.

JD watched Veronica sit up and take his coat that had been held in her arms through her sudden nap. She moved it to lay over her lap as a blanket then reached over to move her phone from the nightstand to the bed in front of her. Picking up the receiver up, she held it to her ear, staring blankly at the circle of numbers. After a few moments, she put the phone back on her nightstand, shaking her head. “I can’t bother her right now, she’s been so much happier…”

She swung her legs over the side of her bed, aiming to stand up and JD scrambled to move to avoid feeling her go through his body. Her inability to see him had caused it before and he knew it would cause it again. Feeling someone go through him was one of the most uncomfortable feelings he’d ever had the displeasure of feeling, especially when it reminded him just how invisible he was to the most important person in his world. 

He watched her walk around the room with such sluggish movements that made JD want to disappear from his own sight, to stop existing completely. It was physically paining him in the worst ways possible to see her unable to function when nobody was around for her to feed off their mood of renewed happiness. She was an angel, she deserved nothing but the best and, yet, he’d caused her nothing but the worst. “Veronica, why can’t you see me? I’m right here, stop being so fucking sad. It’s not worth it. I’m right here and not worth it anymore. Stop loving me, please. You were supposed to stop loving me.”

Of course, Veronica didn’t react to his words, making him question why he bothered to even try in the first place. Trying and failing kept making him more and more angry with his situation. He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down, he could do that around her still. He just focused on the fact that him leaving her alone would be better for her. Letting her grow and move past what he did. 

Maybe calming down would be easier had she given him that one last kiss. He closed his eyes and and continued to breathe slowly.

Perhaps he should've been paying more attention while calming down instead of standing directly next to Veronica’s bed, because the attempt at calming himself down was cut short by the terrible feeling that accompanied someone going through him. He opened his eyes and watched Veronica’s smaller body fall through him and onto her bed.   
The door pushed open slightly as the cat walked in, walked purposefully around JD’s feet, and jumped onto Veronica’s bed. It kneaded at her pillow and curled up in it.  
A combination of knowing that the cat could easily see him and the residual feeling of Veronica falling through him sent a pain through his chest that he knew he shouldn't be able to feel. His hand went up to his chest and pressed against it, grasping at it and finding it terrible how still it was with no pulse beneath his skin.

His rage bubbled up as he stormed over to her desk and pushed everything he could off, watching everything she had on the desk join what he'd pushed off before her nap. Mistake that for the cat, he dared her. 

Veronica jumped and looked to her cat, sitting on her pillow without a care in the world, then moved her gaze to look at the mess on the floor. She covered her mouth with wide eyes as she slowly moved her line of vision to her desk, covering her mouth as she searched for an answer to an incredibly easy to answer question. “JFK, you didn’t do that, did you?”

“Great, nothing’s going to make her fucking see me. She’s going to keep blaming her cat and I’m going to just keep standing here like a moron, waiting for God to smite me for all that I did, right? Of course,” JD mused aloud, kicking at a book on the floor. He wanted to scream but what good would it do? Would it even hurt him if he thought about it enough? He didn’t fucking know. Eternity as a ghost was certainly worse than an eternity in hell. Why couldn't he have just gone there? Did he really deserve all this? Did he really deserve to have the one person he managed to love by his own choice and not just fate’s choice… ignore him? Not be able to see him?

Veronica’s eyes widened even more, her hands shaking as she lowered them and leaned forward slightly. Her blank stare continued but it was obvious something had changed. With her voice barely above a whisper and tears in her eyes, she managed a single word out, “JD…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty! So, I'll probably have one or two more chapters of this nonsense before moving on. I can always write more but I feel like a fic has to end somewhere, so I might move this verse to a different fic if I really want to write more of it after those couple chapters. Thank you guys so much for your kudos and comments, I'm really grateful. I hope this chapter is enjoyable as well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can see him and it hurts her.

Hearing his name come out in such a questioning tone while she looked directly at him made JD freeze up, unable to move or speak in response. It could easily be a coincidence, she might still not be able to see him. That was more likely than her suddenly seeing him just because he threw a louder tantrum than he had before.

But Veronica’s gaze would not move. Tears were welling up in her eyes as she continued to look directly at the dead teenager standing dumbly in front of her. She slowly got up from her bed and walked over, reach out towards his face then recoiled just before she could make contact. She looked at him and tilted her head slightly as tears began falling down her cheeks. “JD, you're… not here, right? I'm just hallucinating or something, right? Please, JD, please tell me if you're here?”

By the second sentence that she pushed from her lips, her voice was wavering and she had to wipe her nose with her sleeve. The look of fear in her eyes behind tears was caught by the ghost and he finally began to move again. 

He turned to move away from her. Maybe if she couldn't see him, she wouldn't be crying again. Maybe she could stop having that fear in her eyes that he knew was caused by seeing him again. That was the last thing he wanted for her, even more fear caused by him. 

“JD, don't you dare walk away from me,” Veronica choked out in a tone that was obviously trying to be tough and scary but had too much hurt behind it. Her shaking voice was matched by her outreached and gently shaking hand. A familiar gesture for both the ghost and the girl who had her hand stretched out, waiting for some action as a response.

JD turned around to face her and stared blankly at her hand. “Okay,” he muttered, reaching his hand out towards hers. He paused and let his fingers curl as he retracted his hand, terrified of the thought of going through her again. “Okay, I'm staying.”

Veronica’s hand slowly curled inwards and she nodded without saying a word. She moved previously outstretched hand to rest on her other arm and breathed in slowly, trying to process all that was happening. It was incredibly obvious that she had no idea what she was supposed to be doing, no idea how to move forward with this interaction. The boy she was speaking with had been dead for well over a week now and she still was mourning his death. Every emotion she was feeling was written on her face and fear still seemed to stand out in JD's eyes. “Are you just another guilt-ghost, JD? Because I thought I was done with those… Heather and Kurt and Ram are all leaving me alone now. Are you here to blame me for your death too?”

JD’s expression dropped to one of absolute horror at the idea of being there to blame her for his death. Everything about all the Westerburg deaths had been his doing, his own suicide was no exception. He was the one who suggested they give Heather that drink, he was the one who lied about the bullets and shot both Kurt and Ram. He built the bomb. It was all him and not her. “No, Veronica, no. I've just… been here. I'm not here to blame you. Nobody should be here to blame you.”

“Well, what if I blame me? What are you going to do? Keep haunting me until I stop? Break more of my things by pushing them off my desk?” Veronica’s voice became choked as she continued to speak. Every word was hurting her, JD could see it on her face. Hearing herself say what she thought out loud must have been leaving deeper scars than thinking the words did. She never seemed to be able to shake it all off. Watching her mental health deteriorate due to his actions was killing him all over again.

With both of the teenagers standing there with forlorn looks on their faces, JD pulled Veronica into his arms without a second thought. There was no room for anxiety to strike when she was looking directly at him with a look that forced him to really face how much he’d hurt her with everything he’d done, including his end.

He lowered his head to rest against hers, breathing as if it were a necessity for his dead body. He tried to be gentle and calming in his touch, scared that she would figure out that she shouldn't want to touch him after all he'd done to her. “I'm sorry. I'll pick your stuff up. Please don't cry.”

Veronica slowly wrapped her arms around him and gripped his shirt, unmoving beyond that action. She remained quiet for a solid minute too before shaking her head and muttering, “You lost the right to tell me not to cry when you killed yourself in front of me, JD. Don't try to tell me to not cry. I watched my boyfriend explode.”

JD carefully brought his hand to gently brush his fingers through his hair, hesitating as he began to wonder if this whole… being able to touch her thing would fade away. He prayed it would remain. “I’m sorry, Veronica. I’m still pretty hopeless. I’m sorry.”

Veronica took both her hands and gently pat at JD’s chest, tears still falling from her eyes. “No…” She pat his chest again. “No, no, you're not hopeless. You're… still here, it's not hopeless. Stop saying you're too hopeless or too… damaged because you're not. You recognize that and fix it. Please? For me?”

Sighing, the dead boy looked down at Veronica’s hands that she left balled up against his chest. For some reason, the gentle motions calmed him down an incredible amount. Brought him back to the ground where he belonged. “I’m dead. Not much point to fixing things, even if you're right and it is possible.”

Veronica shook her head then rested her forehead against her hands. She knew he was dead, she knew she was probably just having a weird dream, but she also knew that he could get better. “You’re a good person despite all of what you did, JD. I wish you could see that.”

JD sighed and started to gently move the both of them towards Veronica’s bed. “Let’s just sit down for a while, okay? And not talk about this because I don't want to fight with you, not anymore.” 

Veronica awkwardly shuffled along, refusing to move from her spot with her head against his chest. She curled up and clung to him as soon as they both hit the bed, tears streaming down her face. “Okay, we won't talk, but I still love you. Can you please just stay with me? And don't disappear again?”

The boy moved his hand to comb his fingers through her hair, kissing her forehead gently as he did so. He’d messed so much up for her. Why had he thought leaving would be the way to fix things for her? Death had been a simple answer, one he thought would erase him and save her. It was the wrong one. “Okay, Veronica. I promise.”

One more lie couldn't hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have at least one more chapter after this. I'm not entirely sure if I'll continue after that but, since I spend a lot of time thinking about AUs, I have a lot of stuff for this one. I might write something alongside it or just continue this one indefinitely? I'm really not sure. Either way, I hope you're enjoying this so far.


	4. Chapter 4

Veronica seemed to easily fall asleep on JD’s lap after they both decided that sitting on her bed would be the most comfortable place to talk. The dead boy’s fingers brushed through the sleeping girl’s hair, watching her breathe slowly as she slept. Her face didn’t reflect a good and peaceful sleep and that made him feel terrible, all her troubles were his fault. If it wasn’t for him, she probably would have managed to grovel her way to being popular again and… that would’ve been terrible. 

He sighed and leaned down to kiss her head. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Veronica,” he whispered, deciding that telling her things while she was sleeping was the best way to go about apologizing without making her even more angry at him. “But I don’t regret the deaths at all. Heather was an accident and Kurt and Ram? They fucking deserved it. Those pricks were homophobic assholes and nobody who’s okay with date rape deserves a future, no matter how drunk they were. Glad you’re asleep for this, I don’t think I could really tell you all this because I want you to know I love you and you wouldn’t believe me while I’m saying this. I feel terrible for hurting you, for dragging you into this and making you feel guilty, for almost killing the entire school as a statement that wouldn’t even last, knowing this society we exist in but… Kurt and Ram, I don’t regret their deaths much. Only thing I regret is making you help.” 

Veronica made a small noise as she turned a bit in her sleep, obviously sleeping poorly. JD felt absolutely terrible about being the cause of so many of her problems, he doubted that she had too many actual nightmares before meeting her. He knew, in the back of his head somewhere, that all her problems didn’t stem from him but he couldn’t manage to feel that, no matter what he did.

He tried to gently move her off his lap so he could stand up but her hand balled into a fist, grabbing at his pants. A small noise came from Veronica as she blinked her eyes open, slowly waking up because she’d been moved. “Where’re you going, JD? Don’t leave me please? Come back…”

Even with her sleepy pleas, JD had made up his mind. He was going to purposefully walk away until he disappeared from her world again. He couldn’t let her… stay with him. He was dead and deserved to be hated and he needed to make her see that somehow, even if that somehow was removing himself from her life without her being entirely willing. He gently moved his hand over hers and moved them both away from his leg. He didn’t need her clinging to him when he needed to leave. For her sake. “Veronica, go back to sleep, I’ll be exactly where I should be when you wake up.”

“You don’t know where you should be, then, ‘cause you should be here,” Veronica mumbled reaching her hand out for him, palm up and waiting for his to come into contact with hers. Now that he was back, she didn’t seem to be willing to let him leave. It was obvious that she needed to be away from him to mourn him and move on. Still, JD moved back to her and took her hand, kneeling down next to her with a soft smile on his face. He was going to give himself up for her sake again, perhaps this time would go better for both of them.

“I’m right here, where you want me right now.” 

Veronica seemed complacent with his words and smiled, taking his hand. “And don't you dare leave again, okay? You're still good, ‘cause you're still you.”

JD sighed and shook his head, squeezing her hand gently. “Just go back to sleep, you need it.”

“I don't,” she mumbled, already getting lost to the sleep that was very obviously taking over her body. As soon as her grip loosened, JD kissed her hand and stood up. He gently lowered her hand to rest on the bed, letting go of it when he was sure he could do so without having her wake up from the removal of touch.

“Goodbye, Veronica. I love you,” he whispered, leaning down and kissing her hair, careful not to wake her. “Don’t miss me this time. Hate me this time, it’ll be better for you, I promise.”

The ghost spent a moment looking at her, watching her slow breathing, before opening her door and leaving the room. If he went far enough away from her, he could swear reality stopped working for some reason. He wasn’t making an active choice to stay and haunt his ex-girlfriend who broke up with him when he needlessly shot his gun, he was terrified of the other option. 

But she could see him, he couldn’t stay.  
He had to leave again.  
Veronica was beyond worth him giving up whatever afterlife this was.

Walking to what was certainly the end of anything he could even remotely call a life was calming. The first time he’d tried to end his life to push Veronica’s forward ended poorly, it ended with her seeing him and clinging to him. That wouldn’t help her move on from what they had, that would ruin any progress that could’ve possibly been made in the right direction.

He made sure to close the front door of Veronica’s house quietly, not wanting her parents to hear it and assume someone had broken in. With his hand still on the doorknob, he sighed and let his head rest against the wood. He wasn’t sure how far he’d have to walk before reality stopped being his reality, so he wanted to take a moment to collect himself so he’d be able to actually do it. To actually leave her for good.

Hand sliding off the doorknob, his eyes filled with tears as he thought about Veronica waking up and having to figure out that he’d left her again. She’d be sad for a while, he knew that, but she’d grow to forget him, or hate him. JD pushed the tears back.

And so, he turned and began to walk directly away from her house. He took the straightest route away from her home as he possibly could, not wanting to waste any time. He ignored the sounds around him. Animals were not to be looked at, cars were not to be acknowledged, people in the neighborhood were the absolute least of his worries.

But the arms suddenly around his waist made him realize that there had been faster footsteps echoing in his ears moments before the touch. His stride was immediately cut short, frozen in mid-step for a brief moment before he let his foot touch the ground. No. No, this wasn’t the plan. The plan was to make sure he left before she could wake up. The plan was to leave and have her decide to hate him while still sitting on her bed. The plan was anything but this.

“Don’t you fucking dare leave me again, JD,” his thoughts were cut short by her words. Veronica’s tone was very rarely harsh but he could feel the cutting edge to her words, despite knowing she had tears in her eyes yet again.

“Veronica, I-”

“Don’t say a single word, just come back home with me. I don’t know why you’re leaving but I doubt… I doubt it’s because you’re going home to your dad. You just told me you wouldn’t leave me again, stop lying to me. I need you to stop lying to me.”

And there it was, what could cement Jason Dean to the ground instead of pushing forward with his plan despite her clinging. He wasn’t willing to hurt her again, not with her there and asking him not to leave. Sure, he didn’t listen the first time, but having her stop him made it feel like… she’d be even more hurt than he’d planned. It wouldn’t cause her to hate him, he feared it would cause her to hate herself for letting it happen. Which would be ridiculous but… he wouldn’t be around to tell her it wasn’t and she wouldn’t be able to tell anyone else.

“I’m not-”

“Stop that. Stop that right now, JD,” clinging to what was likely seeming like thin air to anyone who saw, Veronica started to cry. Her voice was no longer just trembling, she was crying.

“Will you let me talk?” The ghost sighed and reached down to remove her hands so he could turn around. “I’m not leaving, okay? I was but… I’m not. I’m here.”

Veronica wiped at her eyes with her sleeve, sniffling. “I don’t want you to promise, okay? Just… do it?”

JD took her hands and nodded. He placed her hands on his chest and let out another, slow sigh. It was the best way to make something akin to an alive feeling in his chest for her. “Okay. Want to go home, Veronica?”

A small nod accompanied her hands balling up into fists against his chest, holding onto his shirt. “You can’t just kill yourself like that then walk away from me. You can’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You better be.”

“I love you?”

“I love you too, no matter what. But don’t leave me again.”

Another pair of nods were exchanged before JD started walking towards Veronica’s house again, watching Veronica until she fell out of his line of vision as she walked behind him. Trust wouldn’t be so easily gained again, not even if she wanted to give it to him, and he knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this is probably a done deal. I'm going to be adding an alternate version of the final chapter to my patreon (https://www.patreon.com/royalreddeath) within the next week. There's also a poll up for what I should work on next, if anyone's interested in that. I hope you guys enjoyed this, it was fun to write. I'll probably be doing a lot more movie stuff but musical is fun too.


End file.
